


frozen

by vinndetta



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Angst, F/M, Internalized Biphobia, Internalized Homophobia, Love Triangles, M/M, No Dialogue, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love, but just the fact that it won't work, i'm really proud of this actually, introspective piece, it's complicated - Freeform, kind of? it's confusing/complicated oops, mentions of polyamory, multiple POVs, the whole fucking thing is angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 06:29:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16827034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/vinndetta
Summary: Dan doesn't know if those lingering touches from him are more than platonic, but it'll never change the fact that the man is married.orSuzy knows that some connection is there between the two supposedly straight men, but, as selfish as it sounds, she can't bear to let him go.orArin Hanson is absolutely not in love with his best friend.





	frozen

**Author's Note:**

> jesus christ okay this is all just pain, hahahhHAHHAHAh

Dan doesn't know if those lingering touches from him are more than platonic, but it'll never change the fact that the man is married. He just knows that sometimes, if he squints, he agrees with his lovelies that there might be something deeper than friendship going on between the two. As terrible as it sounds, he feels like as if he's biased in some way because of his own feelings that he shoves to the back of his mind every day.

He loves Arin Hanson. There's no doubt about that. But is he in love with Arin Hanson? 

He doesn't know how to answer that.

He's never thought about guys in that way, never even let the thought try to cross his mind. He grew up in a time where if you slipped up once and did something even remotely not-masculine, it didn't end up well for you at all. So, he's had relationships with many girls, but he's never even looked at a boy in a romantic way.

Well, until now.

Dan doesn't quite understand the sentiment that most of their lovelies have, about this blind adoration they have for Dan over Arin. He can't understand why people are overlooking the mastermind of the whole situation, the wonderful and kind Arin Hanson. He's never been prouder to call someone his best friend, but this guy is the most giving and dedicated person that he's ever had the pleasure to meet. Yes, the Arin on Game Grumps is a bit more of an angry character that he plays off, but really, he's a really funny and genuinely fantastic guy.

Dan once made a joke that straight men are straight just because they hadn't experience the glory known as Arin Hanson yet. And he thinks he might have jinxed himself on that one, because, well, now he thinks he might have a little bit of more-than-platonic feelings for his best friend. To be fair, if there was anyone that he'd want to be his gay crush (or perhaps gay awakening?), Arin's the perfect guy. Arin might be straight, but Dan feels that it'd be hard not to fall for that amazing guy anyway. He's so giving and loving, that Dan is baffled at the fact that anyone could ever hate him. 

Dan's at the point in his life that he's not really embarrassed about admitting feelings anymore. To put it plainly, he's pretty comfortable with being honest about his own feelings. He's no longer a child who's afraid to mess things up; with time, he thinks that you might as well go for it, because who knows when that opportunity is going to come up again?

But there's something stopping him from admitting his feelings to Arin right off the bat, or, in fact, ever.

His partner, his boss, his best friend - Arin was so much to him. He didn't want to say he would be lost without him, because he doesn't want to give off the impression that he's codependent. He just really feels that Arin's had such a positive effect on his life, with that stupid bright smile when he laughs at whatever joke someone made or with that dumb smirk that he just want to kiss right off his stupid, handsome face-

God. He's absolutely gone for Arin.

To imagine that they were at one point strangers is absolutely bizarre to him, because the past six years have been the most wonderful time of his life. It's the best part of his life so far, growing on the internet as a musician and a comedian, with Ninja Sex Party and Grumps and Starbomb. It's been a wild bumpy ride, but he's had so much fun doing what he really loves to do. He could never imagine doing whatever it is that people usually do with advertising degrees; that life never would have suited him, and this life is everything he could have ever imagined and more. He's made it, all this way, after all this time, after all this work, after all that determination - he's reached his dreams. He's living the life that he wanted when he was a young boy; what more could he want?

And that question makes Dan want to barf into a trashcan.

Because he wants more. 

He wants more, and he's terrified of that. He has everything he could ever want. He's in a band - no - two bands. He's in a family where he gets to play video games with his best friend. He gets to tour around the world with both the bands and the Grumps (sometimes both). And best of all, he has this beautiful man as his best friend.

He can't ask for anything more than what he has with Arin, not like this. Not when it's going to cost them the most beautiful connection between Suzy and Arin. He can't break them apart because of his own selfish feelings.

There's this thing called being crazy in love. And Dan knows certainly that love is crazy, love is weird, and love can make people do weird things. People do things that they normally wouldn't do for love. And Dan appreciates that. He thinks it's cool that it's such a powerful force in the world. And he has no doubt in his mind that he would do absolutely anything for Arin Hanson. 

Even if that means covering up his feelings and trying to let them go.

Dan thinks that Suzy and Arin are a wonderful couple. He thinks that they're sweet and loving, absolutely perfect for each other. In fact, he can imagine them being together for the rest of their lives. He thinks he's said that on Game Grumps, too. It's a thing around the office: loving looks, cute little kisses, romantic gestures. Their relationship is alive; they've never let their love die out, and everyone at the space always feels like they're watching a growing relationship between teenagers. Arin's never acted like being married to Suzy was a 'trap' or whatever bullshit that men like to joke about. Their marriage is so, so happy, and Dan thinks that anyone can see it from far away. It's so perfect, and everyone knows that. They are just adorable together, and he's pretty sure he's thought before that nothing could ever separate them.

But now, he feels as if he's the one who's threatening their relationship. And that scares him. Dan doesn't want them to end, thinks that they make each other so, so happy. How could he ever get in the way of their happiness? How selfish could he get? He needs to think about the overall picture.

And the overall picture is telling him to not take action regarding his feelings for Arin. Because he could ruin the dynamic they have, and therefore, Game Grumps. He could ruin the show and lose his job as both Not-So-Grump. Starbomb could end. He could lose two of his best friends, and maybe even the rest of his Grump friends. His friends could even hate him, for whatever reason, whether it's being gay (even though that's ridiculous because it's 2018, but hey, he's still scared), or trying to get between the married couple. Even worse, if they end up together, what about Suzy? He could ruin what his friend has with Suzy, and he can't have that. He sees the way that they look at each other, and Dan coming in between that could ruin it. They've never mentioned polyamory or open relationships, but Dan's never tried it for himself. He doesn't think he could handle it, knowing that his partner not only was in another relationship, but was married to someone else. He doesn't think he could do it; props to those who could, but he could never manage a relationship like that.

In short, if he says anything, he'll ruin everything. And he can't have that. Not after how hard he's worked to get here. Not after Arin's done so much for him. Not after all the good that's come from Arin just being his best friend.

Dan can handle a silly little "crush" or whatever, but he knows he won't be able to handle being a homewrecker.

-

Suzy knows that some connection is there between the two straight men, but, as selfish as it sounds, she can't bear to let him go.

She met Arin all those years ago, and hoped that it would last forever. She felt that the idea of love at first sight was kind of ridiculous, but meeting Arin almost felt like that. She knew instantly that there was going to be a connection so strong that nothing could ever tear them apart.

Until she saw the way that her husband looked at his best friend.

Before she started dating Arin, they had many mutual friends who thought that they'd be a cute couple together. They would always end up being set up together by the rest of the friend group, who would be watching from their hiding spot. She remembers being shown picture upon picture of Arin longingly looking towards her when she wasn't looking. She remembered making eye-contact with him once when he thought she couldn't tell, and the ensuing blush that appeared on his cheeks. She wanted that look to be for her, forever. She loved him from the moment they met, their eyes connecting as her heartbeats quicken. She wished so hard, wanted their love to be forever, prayed that they were destined to be together. And now, she was married to the love of her life. What more could she want?

Suzy knows that Arin loves her, more than anything. There's never been a doubt in her mind about that, all those years of being together really giving her the ability to know what's exactly going on in Arin's mind, even if he won't say it out loud.

And she knows that Arin's struggling with the beautiful man known as Dan Avidan.

She can read every look on Arin's face when Dan's around. And sometimes, she can see that look that Arin gave her so many years ago, the one that she selfishly wanted all to herself.

Maybe this was karma coming for her, for wanting one man all to herself, for wanting something to be hers and only hers. Maybe karma wanted to teach her a lesson - that you can't have everything you wish for, and you especially can't have something all to yourself. Maybe she had wished too hard for something special in her life, that she hadn't read the contract before she signed it, hadn't realized that this was only a temporary happiness, a fleeting moment of the best life she could ever have. And now, some supernatural force was here to rip it all away from her and laugh as she lost the most important man in her life. It'd be a sick joke, but it's a possibility she can't ignore. At the very least, it's an analogy that she put too much thought into, something that the darkest part of her mind created in order to make her suffer before anything had even happened.

Suzy can't say that she knows Arin's every thought, but she does know that at least subconsciously, Arin has more-than-platonic feelings for Dan. It's right there, the chemistry that they have, the way that they act around each other; it's like they had come into each other's lives as puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. They always make gay jokes and then brush them off, but sometimes Suzy wonders if even some of the time, they're not completely joking. And the way that the look at each other, like the other one hung the moon and stars in the night sky... it's like watching teenagers being in love and denial. Suzy can't blame either of them; both of them are rather attractive. She can't blame Dan for falling in love with that handsome dork, and she can't blame Arin either for seeing the beauty and purity in Dan's soul. Hell, she's sure either of them could make any man question his sexuality. 

She doesn't want to assume, doesn't want to come to conclusions that quickly, but she wonders what would have happened if she wasn't in the picture at all. Would gay things happen? Would they even be gay? Bi? Would they have tried something out, to see if it would work between them? Would they be together? Maybe they'd be the ones married. She loves Arin so, so much, but would it be better that way? Maybe she's in the way of their happiness...

But Suzy can't help but feel selfish. She's not going to give up the love of her life that easily. Someone like Arin? Someone so sweet, kind, and lovely... that kind of person isn't easy to find. She's never met a man that's so understanding, so warm, so beautiful. She's in love with him, the man that showers her with affection and love. He's so different from any other man she's ever met. He's the one that she wants to love for the rest of her life, if she can. She doesn't want to lose him, his love, and she knows that he still loves her. She knows that, but she knows too that Dan's also an important person in their lives. He's their best friend, but she can sometimes feel in Arin's eyes, Arin's soul, that there's something more there. 

But for now, she'll just pretend to ignore it. There's no harm in that. She's not really in denial; she's just waiting to see if something happens, if anything will happen. If not, and Dan gets into a relationship with another person, then she'll be okay with that, and she'll try not to be relieved, but instead, just be happy for him. But if Arin (and maybe Dan) comes up to her, then she'll know that she has to let him go. She doesn't think she can willingly share her partner with someone. The polyamorous life is amazing, but it's not for her. If Arin still loves Suzy as much as he does, but he still wants Dan, he won't be able to have both. It sounds selfish, but she can't live a lie, pretending that it's going to be okay. She could never imagine herself being okay with her husband dating someone else, having another romantic partner besides her. If her husband wants him, then she'll willingly sacrifice herself, for the sake of both of them. 

It's better to be the bigger person and walk away, she thinks. She wants to be selfish, but she can't. She'd never forgive herself if she did something that only benefited herself. She could never stand in the way of love. She's always believed in love conquering all, and if she was in the way, she'd lose. So, maybe, if she willingly put down her weapon, then maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad. If she forfeited, then it would be easier on all of them. If the time ever came, Suzy wouldn't want to do it, would have all her instincts telling her to do the opposite... but she would know what she has to do.

Suzy loves Arin, and Arin loves her. She has the most wonderful man as her husband, and the time they spent together has already been more than she ever thought she would have. If this is where it all ends, then so be it. Those beautiful years together might have had a price that she would have to pay; they had all that time together, just for the two of them. And, well, what more could she ask for, if it all had to end?

She really doesn't want to, wants to cling onto Arin forever and ever, to never let go. But...

She loves Arin so much, that if his happiness comes at the price of her happiness... well... then she knows what choice she'll have to make when it comes to that. 

Instead, she'll quietly ignore the rare longing looks that her two best friends share, and stay in the moment where she has a loving husband and an equally amazing best friend. Her lips will be sealed until one of them opens their mouth and speaks. 

Suzy's not blind, but if the time ever comes, she's prepared to let go.

-

Arin Hanson is absolutely not in love with his best friend. He's a straight man married to the love of his life, so what else could he ever ask for?

Except maybe Arin asking that question might mean that he's now questioning what he could want.

He loves Suzy, he really does. But ever since Dan walked into his life, he doesn't know what to feel anymore. He loves Suzy, more than anyone else in the world, but Dan is somewhere among that mix. He knows that there's different types of love, and he loves many people in a friendly way, simply platonically. But he only has room in his heart for one romantic person. He already chose Suzy, the woman that's been at his side for so long. It would be selfish to try to see what he feels about Dan. 

Arin thinks that if he lets himself, he could fall in love with Dan. 

But no, he can't. He's already living the life that he already wants to live, with a beautiful wife and his dream job. He's made so much, grown so much since his animation days on Newgrounds. he's happily married with a life better than he could ever have imagined. 

Yet, he feels selfish for wanting to explore more.

This is ridiculous. He sees this man every day, and he makes him question his own sexuality. He's a straight man, he knows it. Come on, the D-club was a goddamn joke, and so was that Gay Brothers porn or whatever. But maybe there's something different about Dan that he can't seem to place.

What more could he want from his best friend? He wants to pretend that he doesn't know the answer, but he does. He knows that sometimes when he closes his eyes, he can imagine a domestic life with him, imagine kissing him, holding hands, going on dates, the whole package. 

But he's afraid of that. He's always been straight, and he's been called gay, but now he can wave his marriage in those people's faces to prove them wrong. He's joked about dicks before, he's certainly seen many dicks and touched dicks with other guys, but... he's straight. And he doesn't want to go through a sexuality crisis while he's married to the most beautiful and amazing woman in the entire world. Also, he might also be afraid of the possibility of him actually being gay or whatever, and everyone going, I knew it all along. Because he hates being wrong, hates being seen as a fool. He can admit to mistakes and he can admit to acting dumb, but he doesn't want to remember the bullying, doesn't want to relive the teasing, and he's certainly not going to explore this feeling.

Because he's not gay. In any way. He's straight, not gay, bi, pan, whatever. He's in love with Suzanne, end of the story.

But sometimes, he finds himself wondering what it would be like without Suzy in the picture. She had done so much for him, made him realize how beautiful the world was, and how beautiful he was on the inside. She's such an important part of his life, letting him grow into a better man, the man he is today. She helped him on the journey from being a depressed nerdy teenager who saw no hope in the world to being practically a internet celebrity who's doing much better financially, socially, and mentally. 

So what would it be like without her?

He doesn't even know. He doesn't like the idea of co-dependency, but she's been there practically his whole life, so he can't imagine where to begin in this hypothetical world without Suzy. 

Would he have been anywhere close to this? Would he be animating still? Would he have even started? Would Game Grumps not exist? Would he never have met Dan Avidan in the first place?

In a world without Suzy, everything feels dark. He's reaching out, but no one's there. 

So then, how could he be so selfish, thinking about a world where he could try something more with Dan? He's in love with his fucking wife, the most amazing person on the face of the planet, and here he is, thinking about his best friend more than platonically. That's disgusting, and he hates himself for it. He hates that no matter how much he tries to stop thinking about it, that it occasionally likes to come back and fuck with him. 

Dan's an important part of his life, he can't deny that. The two spend lots of time together, doing recording sessions for Grumps, playing music together, and even just spending time as friends. And that's the worst thing. When he got crushes when he was younger and he wanted to get rid of them, all he did was spend less time with said person and everything would be fine.

Except, Dan's different. They spend so much time together, that trying to not do so was so hard. First off, sometimes it was their job that made them spend time together. He can't neglect the job, neglect the lovelies. He needs to do this, because it's his responsibility. Secondly, Dan would be very confused. They hang out a whole fucking lot, so trying to decrease that time would seem out-of-character. And even so, every time they plan to do something together and Arin tries to get out of doing said thing, he always ends up saying yes (because who could say no to that face, those wide eyes pleading him and those lips pouting in such a fashion that it makes him want to surge forward and kiss him passionately- oh, fuck).

Goddammit, he's had so many thoughts about kissing Dan that he can't seem to get out of his head. It's terrible, but sometimes when he kisses Suzy, Dan's face will flash through his mind instead. It makes him feel so bad, to pull away and have to look his wife in the eye as he fantasizes about someone else. He's just glad he isn't at the point where he's calling out Dan's name in bed instead. Because he can still fix this. He can try to get over this without seeming suspicious. He can still get over this stupid infatuation with Dan Avidan before it ruins his life.

He wants to be angry sometimes. He just wants to scream, to lash out at Dan. But he'd done nothing wrong. He's so nice, he'd probably just be concerned for Arin. Dan hasn't done anything except exist. And that's the problem. Dan's existence makes Arin want to yell out of frustration because he's just so perfect. He burrowed his way to Arin's heart to the point where he's not sure if he could even muster the strength to kick him out.

He can't. He loves Dan. But he loves Suzy. So these romantic feelings are going to be thrown out until he no longer feels them anymore. Because Suzy is the love of his life, his beautiful soulmate, the one he's sworn to love until the ends of time.

He could never let himself want more. He shouldn't want more, can't want more than what he already has with his best friend. So what, if all those gay jokes were sometimes hints as to what he's been thinking about lately. He'll play them off as jokes until they really are jokes, until they're just something he can laugh about later.

Sometimes, he finds himself mooning over his fellow Grump, touches that last too long along with glances that are filled with emotions that he should never feel (but he's always wanted it, could never say, could never admit). But, he'll continue denying it, pretending that "egobang" is something that he jokingly supports, ignoring the Polygrumps things that people create even implying anything between the three of them. Arin's going to bury these feelings somewhere that even he won't be able to find them.

Arin loves Dan, but he could never let it be more than platonic for his own sake and for Suzy's sake.

**Author's Note:**

> hey! thanks for reading! if you want to see my tumblr, it's @vinndetta
> 
> if you want to support my works, my ko-fi is @vinndetta as well! :)
> 
> please kudos/comment if you liked it! i'd also really appreciate feedback on it as well! thanks! <3


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